Etiquette in Japan: When in doubt... apologize

Allow me to begin this post about apologies with an apology. I have failed to keep this blog as updated as I would have liked due to one part busy schedule and about nine parts laziness/procrastination. Anyhow, I'm going to try to do one post a week from here on out with more frequent postings of pictures, videos and the like. I hope you enjoy the new and improved Kaiyo no Gaijin.

And now back to our regularly scheduled (and long awaited?) programming.

I would say that on average back in America I used the words "I`m sorry" or "I apologize" less than a dozen times a day. I think the average well mannered American with a moderate amount of social graces would find this number to be quite normal. If I had to put a quantity to the amount of times I use an apologetic word or phrase in Japan everyday  I would estimate it in the 100-150 range... No joke.

The Japanese have done for apologizing what Americans have done for swear words. Elevated them from a rudimentary form of expressing one's feelings into an art form that can be captivating to witness or be a part of. Within the Japanese culture the plethora of apologetic words, phrases and gestures are the go to tactics for:

-Genuine apologies

-Getting a persons attention

-Greetings

-Welcoming a guest into your house

-Entering a room

-Leaving a room

-Saying thank you

And my personal favorite

-Giving a gift

In the case of welcoming a guest into your house and giving a gift, the apology is used to express your belief that both of these things are inadequate and bordering on being offensive towards the intended visitor/recipient. In essence, inviting a person over for coffee plays out like so:

(When having a person over to your house for the first time as soon as they enter you say)

-"My house is such a dump... I`m really sorry about exposing you to all this."

Similarly, the apology when giving a gift is to express both the lackluster quality of the gift you are providing and to reassure the person receiving the gift that they deserve better:

(Holding your overpriced and professionally wrapped gift out to the intended recipient you belt out this peach of a "here you go, hope you like it")

-"This is for you... I`m sorry its such a low quality junker of a gift... If you aren't too offended would you mind accepting it?"

Crazy... I know. But lets go deeper into the atonement rabbit hole and explore the complexities and oddities of always being ashamed of yourself in Japan. We shall begin with the nonverbal.

Bowing

The simple act of bowing (a very Victorian notion to us westerners) is a crucial part of Japanese interactions and mannerisms. It is a sign of respect, trust and obedience all bundled into one. HOWEVER, the complexities withing the Japanese bowing ideology are incredibly complicated and require a great deal of cultural understanding and a high level of proficiency in both mathematical angles and Pilates.

At a glance a Japanese person can tell what sort of emotion a bow is meant to convey simply by observing the angle at which the person bows and the types of fervent apologies they are screaming whilst doing so.

The Japanese bow ranges from a simple inclining of the head (very casual hello) to a 45 degree bend at the waist as pictured above. All of these are used primarily as greetings with the higher degree of bow indicating the importance of the bow and seniority of the person you are bowing to. Above 45 degrees is where we hit apology territory.

Bowing at the waist at 90 degrees with the hands still held firmly against the sides is what I have come to call the "I done goofed..." position. This form of bow is used when one has embarrassed, inconvenienced or otherwise offended another individual of greater authority. I see this one performed by numerous students everyday who have forgotten their homework, misbehaved in class or enjoy being overly dramatic/sarcastic with their apologies.

But even the ole "I done goofed" bow has absolutely nothing on the great grandfather of Japanese bows. In my (cumulative) two years in Japan I have yet to see this bow actually performed live and in person . Its like a zombie apocalypse or brain surgery... Something I am interested in but hope to never have to actually experience (bah-dum-tiss). So without further adieu, distraction, gilding the lily, building up dramatic tension or making excessive use of commas I give to you... DOGENZA!!!!!

Now that ladies and gentlemen... is a bow. The act of Dogenza (a name which to me evokes visions of  a Godzilla-style monster) is the Japanese form of prostrate bowing that signifies a complete disregard for one's own dignity. This form of apology is used when an earth shattering mistake has been made (or to beg for mercy from a bloodthirsty samurai... presumably) and you have no choice but to defame yourself in front of your peers or superiors. The word "Dogenza" translates (loosely) as "sitting right on the ground" which to us sounds pretty mundane but in Japanese culture is quite the big to-do. In ancient Japan this form of bowing was used to show deference or obeisance to Japanese royalty or to offer one's life up for a mistake or offense given. In other words performing Dogenza in front of a person you wronged was essentially giving them permission to end your life... Serious stuff.

Whew... That got dark pretty fast didnt it? All that prostrate bowing and potential beheading... nasty stuff. On to some lighter fare with the verbal methods of apology that serve to grease the wheels of Japanese social interactions.

1. Sumimasen (Sue-mee-mah-sen): And the art of Restaurant Service  
This word functions as a sort of catch all for interacting within Japanese society and is easily the most common form of apology. From my perspective, sumimasen has nearly the exact same usage in Japanese as "excuse me" does in English. It can be used to apologize for minor infractions (my constant bumping into people or always seemingly being in everyone's way for example) or simply as a way of getting a persons attention. This second usage is especially important when dining in a Japanese sit down restaurant, as table service is much different than we Americans are used to. After sitting down you will each receive a microscopic glass of water from a smiling staff member who will then disappear like some sort of genie. On more than one occasions I have seen a table laden with freshly arrived tourists that sits looking annoyed for the better party of an hour wondering why no cheerful waitress has approached them for their order. The reason being that Japanese wait staff  expect you to let them know when you are ready. In some cases each table is equipped with a small egg shaped button that will re-summon your server a-la lamp rub. In other cases one member of your party (we'll call him/her "The Alpha") must locate an employee, fix them with a stony gaze and then belt out a hearty "Sumimasen" at which point you will receive rapid and very friendly service. Similarly anytime you are shopping, dining, traveling or clinging to the edge of a deep ravine with just your fingertips... A simple sumimasen will ensure assistance is incoming*

2. Gomenasai (Go-men-uh-sigh): For the slightly larger "goofs"
More akin to the English "I`m sorry", this term is the truest way to express an apology. However, unlike "I'm sorry", gomenasai is really only used for direct apologies for action you feel responsible for... Allow me to explain. Listed below are some examples of other meanings/uses for the phrase "I'm sorry" that the word gomenasai doesn't cover:
1. -"My grandmother just passed away"     -"I'm sorry to hear that"     Empathetic sorrow
2. -"Can you hand me the (unintelligable)"     -"I'm sorry?"                   I didn't understand you
3. -"What a sorry excuse for a bolognese..."                                        Sad/ Pathetic

Again I hear/use this word hundreds of times a day because every little minor (often perceived) infraction requires a very straightforward apology. For example earlier this morning i was using one of the copy machines when another teacher approached. The teacher looked at me... Looked at the copy machine.. Then asked "are you using this?"... I nodded and gave a friendly "yes", only for the teacher to back away slowly bowing and repeating "gomenasai" over and over. This is, sadly, not an isolated event.

3. Shitsureishimas (Shih-tzu-ray-she-moss): Okay... This is just ridiculous...
The last of the apologetic terms I will discuss (because there are many many more) is the one I find most bizarre from a native English speakers perspective. The closest English word I can compare this one to is "rude". For example indicating another person and saying "shitsurei ne (shih-tzu-rei  ney)" is akin to saying "he is rude"... However, when a person says "shitsureishimas" it means "I am rude"...

Ill let that simmer for a bit...

Have you cleaned up the bits of skull and grey matter from where your head exploded there? The Japanese have a form of formal apology where you just flat out admit to being a jerk. In Japanese this is most commonly used when you are intruding on someone else or when entering the room/office/home of one of your superiors. I hear this particular apology (admission of guilt?) most often from students. This is because every time they enter the teachers office (or "The Bullpen" as I have come to call it) they say "shitsureishimas" as soon as they enter and then the past-tense "shitsureishimashita (shih-tzu-rei-she-ma-she-ta)" before they leave. I always picture it translating into English thusly:

***(warning slight use of minor foul language ahead for emphasis and comedic effect)***

(Student approaches teachers room to ask a question about an upcoming assignment... Student pulls open door, enters the office and bows)
Student- "I'M AN ASSHOLE!!!"
(Student walks to teachers desk and after a brief conversation retreats back to the door where he/she once again turns to face the office and bow)
Student- "I WAS AN ASSHOLE!!!"
(Student departs for classroom.... AND NOBODY BUT ME THOUGHT THAT WAS STRANGE)

I just... Its like... Why do they... *sigh*... I give up Japan. Its like the things I am supposed to laugh here just seem cruel or disquietingly disturbing and the things I find outright hilarious are friggin customs... IS THIS REAL LIFE? CAN I GET OFF THE RIDE NOW?

...

Sorry... I lost it there... I didn't have time for breakfast this morning because I had to get to school early to do the GOVERNMENT MANDATED EXERCISE ROUTINE. Three days a week I have to come to school thirty minutes early to do a ten minute mass jazzercise with 400 kids and 50 dead eyed adults. As a part of my job I have to do the same series of stretches, jumps and twists at eight in the morning while wearing a suit and tie... Its like an MC Escher painting, you can tell something is wrong but your brain keeps trying to logic out a solution.

This country is tearing me apart... But like the chocolate cake that will some day be the death of me... I just cant get enough of it... And for that I will never say I'm sorry.



*The implication that saying "sumimasen" will provide immediate help when in a life threatening situation was done for comedic purposes only. The author does not recommend engaging in unsafe activities under the assumption that saying "sumimasen" will render any and all danger inert.

The Color of Coffee Brown.

After a brief hiatus (two weeks of tests at my school) I have finally found the time to write another blog post. Firstly I would like to apologize for the overly-academic nature of my previous post. Sometimes my considerable intellect cannot be contained… However upon re-reading the post I have decided to do yet another post about language in Japan. More specifically, the love-hate relationship Japanese culture has with the English Language.

"A terrace in the afternoon, where I am enjoying myself elegantly. To those who love their lives... the gift of fair quality goods. My feeling is fluffy in the color of coffee brown."

Just let that sink in… Someone, somewhere decided that that English sentence best represented their product. This quote came off of a rather delightful box of assorted coffees I received as a gift from a few of my fellow teachers. This particular gift box of coffee comes from a major company and is distributed all over Japan, meaning that literally hundreds of people have read this quote and still opted to drink this coffee. So now allow me to go all Davinci Code in an attempt to solve the riddle that is this muddled sales pitch in what I like to call “Alex`s “ENGRISH” Translation Corner”

Sentence 1- “A terrace in the afternoon, when I am enjoying myself elegantly.”

              The first sentence is rather straight forward and easy to understand. We are to picture ourselves sitting on an elegant terrace enjoying a cup of coffee. This is head and shoulders above my usual habit of enjoying coffee whilst sitting on my bed in my underwear; a situation considerably less suited for a sales pitch. At this point we could be early into an interpretive reading of an American commercial, where people are oh-so-fond of lounging on this in an elegant fashion. Grammatically the sentence is ok, perhaps replacing the word “when” with “where” could improve it slightly but overall this sentence works.     ENGRISH factor- 15%

Sentence 2- “To those who love their lives… the gift of fair quality goods.”

              The guy who wrote the first sentence must have taken a personal pay because in the first few words of the second sentence we find ourselves spiraling into madness. Thus far we have ascertained that we are sitting on a terrace in an elegant fashion (I assume a daybed, marble railings and wispy silk curtains are involved). But now the Coffee Selection folks throw a dire warning at us “To those who love their lives…” WOW… That’s quite the ominous statement, and why the inclusion of the three dots at the end? Are we to wait expectantly with bated breath to find out just what happens to those who love their lives? Is it a warning that this particular coffee causes depression, and those who do not enjoy their lives should avoid it or risk suicide? Before we can even figure out if we do in fact love our lives the coffee box lashes out with a stinging insult. This particular brand of coffee openly admits to their product being of only mediocre quality. Some may argue that by “fair quality” they in fact meant “fair trade” but I think it is far more likely that this is yet another perfect example of “Big Coffee” blatantly ignoring their customers demands for high quality products and instead just telling them “here is some sub-par coffee… You got a problem with that?”. A more direct English translation might read “You seem to be enjoying your day… This bland coffee should fix that.” The whole elegant terrace setup is starting to seem like some sort of ruse… I hope nothing crazy happens in the climactic final act…     ENGRISH factor- 60%

Sentence 3- “My feeling is fluffy in the color of coffee brown.”

              Not content with their previous comments on our mental state and a bold admission of mediocre coffee the Coffee Selection Company opted to go for all out scare tactics for its final assault. How does a person feel fluffy? And what does it mean to be fluffy is the color of coffee brown? Is it like music, as in “Can I feel fluffy in the key of coffee brown?” In the first two sentences I could understand the point the writers were trying to make, the third sentence however is beyond me. The image I can’t get out of my head is that drinking this coffee will transform me into a giant coffee colored sheep. So in summation Coffee Selection box writer guy, way to make the transition from completely sane to Sarah Palin levels of crazy in only three sentences.     ENGRISH factor- 100%.

              This phenomenon is commonly know as “Engrish” and is a source of much amusement for foreigners living in Japan. For the most part English is seen as “hip” and trendy in Japan and is often utilized to help products and services stick out in a market that is flooded with an overabundance of seemingly everything. Often it is simple things, using the English word for things like strawberries or milk as opposed to the Japanese words can make a product more kid friendly and more modern.

              However, the dark side of Engrish comes out when it is used in the form of sentences. The internet is riddled with other examples of shirts, signs and nearly every other semi-flat surface covered with nonsensical (and often wildly inappropriate) English. One of my favorite pictures is of a Japanese elementary school student at school wearing a shirt that says “Too drunk to [inappropriate word for “relations]” (this is a family blog so I will avoid swearing) beaming at the camera completely unaware of how inappropriate his shirt is. 

Prime example of an "Engrish" t-shirt.... No idea what point they were trying to convey in the first place.

The hot water is not impervious to heat so... Be careful?

            Even more mind boggling is that considering the number of native English speakers in Japan and the rate at which Japanese people are learning English that these sorts of mistakes are still made. Most companies seem completely satisfied to just trust an online translator to accurately translate for them and do not bother with any sort of check. While this can at times be both frustrating and entertaining it certainly makes my job here seem more important. If just once I can teach a student enough English that he/she is forced to burn half their wardrobe I will consider my time here a success.

Writing at a first grade level: My experience with written Japanese

              So I`ll just come out and say it, Japanese Kanji are stupid. Not only are they stupid, but they are dumb as well. I hate them so much I get slightly nauseous every time I encounter one. If Kanji were a food they would be white chocolate, everybody loves to look at it but nobody actually likes it.

The simple fact that this seemingly archaic system of writing hasn’t been eradicated leads me to believe there is something not quite right about Japanese folk. In order to put this in perspective allow me to give you a brief lesson in Japanese writing (I promise the title of this post will make sense soon J).

The Japanese language possesses three written alphabets: Hiragana, Katakana, and Kanji (*Dry Heave*).

First lets talk about Hiragana, the easiest system to learn and by far my favorite. Hiragana is used to phonetically spell Japanese words, hiragana is FAR more similar to our English alphabet than Kanji. There are 45 basic characters in the hiragana “alphabet” each corresponding to a single syllable. In addition to the 45 normal hiragana there are a few small “modifiers” that can change the way each hiragana sounds sounds.

Example:

“は”- This Hiragana makes the “ha” sound and ONLY that one sound. One major difference between Japanese and English is that there are no phonics. In English the letter “C” can make a “ka”, “sa”, or “ch” sound depending on the other letters around it. In Japanese “は” will always just be “ha”.

-“は” can be slightly modified to adjust its sound. “ば” is read as “ba” and “ぱ” is read as “pa”. By adding that small circle or the two dashes to certain hiragana their sounds can be changed ever so slightly. While there are only 45 basic hiragana there are a total of 107 unique syllabic sounds within that alphabet.

              Moving right along we come to Katakana. Katakana has EXACTLY the same number of symbols and syllabic sounds as hiragana. Essentially its just the hiragana alphabet but using different symbols for each sound. “But why Alex?”, you cry out on the verge of tears, “What sort of diabolical entity would contrive to have two different alphabets that serve the exact same purpose? Is it a paradox of sorts? A glitch in the Matrix? Some ancient endtimes prophecy coming to fuition? WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY…… WHYYYYYY!”

I`ll feed you baby birds…

Katakana is distinctive because it is used SOLELY for words that are of a foreign origin. I find this to be remarkably interesting and it does in fact make reading new words considerably easier. At a glace you know if what you are about to read is a word that originated in Japan or was borrowed from another language. Some examples may clear this up a bit.

One of the English Teachers at my school is named みはる (mi-ha-ru)　いまず (I-ma-zu). That was her name written in hiragana because it is of Japanese origin. On the other hand MY name would not be written in hiragana because of my “foreign-ness”. In hiragana my name is written あれっくす (Ah-re-ku-su)*. However, whenever my name is written it is ALWAYS written as アレックス、exact same reading as the hiragana but different symbols. It is actually quite easy for people who cannot read hiragana or katakana to tell them apart at a glance. Hiragana tend to be more curvy ornate white katakana are generally more angular and simple.

*It is important to note here that the Japanese syllabary does not contain “L”, “V”, or “TH” syllables. These particular sounds are very difficult for Japanese to master and is a primary reason for as “assumed” Japanese accent (“Oh herro”) cannot pronounce these sounds very well.*

              A primary use of katakana is to phonetically spell out foreign words to allow Japanese people to read them easier. In addition, many foods, animals, sports and objects that are not native to Japan are just referred to by their native names using katakana. Again some examples:

トマト “to-ma-to”- Tomato

パン “pa-n”- Bread (latin origin)

パソコン “pa-so-co-n” – Personal Computer

And so on

              Finally we come to the bane of my Japanese existence… Kanji (*blood curdling scream*). There are approximately (I say approximately because believe it or not nobody actually knows…) 60,000 kanji in the Japanese repertoire ranging from the comically simple, to the bowl looseningly difficult. Most kanji are used to represent one or two syllables and in fact most kanji can represent words on their own. Some of the easier kanji are great examples of this.

一, 二, 三 “i-chi”, “ni”, “sa-n”- Kanji for one, two, and three respectively. Pretty self explanatory why they look the way they do.

川 “ka-wa”- This kanji means river. It is meant to look like water running between two banks.

Many kanji are made up of components of other kanji called “radicals”. This means that even if you don’t know a new kanji you can get clues to its meanings by reading its radicals. Again… examples… (This is reading like a textbook isn’t it?)

男 “o-to-ko”- Is the kanji for man or male. It is made up of two radicals:

田 “ta”- Is the kanji for rice paddy, again see how the character itself resembles a field.

力 “”chi-ka-ra”- Is the kanji for strength, force, or capability.

So the “image” reading for男(man) is田(rice field) over力(power). So a man is essentially the power and influence necessary to farm and produce rice.

I find this aspect of kanji incredibly interesting, the concept of using images and/or compounded images to represent words is a very cool concept and helps teach a lot about Japanese history and ideals. My interest, however, is considerably dulled at the sheer number of kanji and the fact that they can often be ridiculously difficult to write.

In addition to memorizing the character itself, its meaning (some kanji can have upwards of 5 different readings/meanings) one must also learn the stroke order for the kanji. That’s right, every kanji has ONLY ONE correct way to write it and each and every stroke must be done in the correct order and in the correct direction or you will bring shame upon your family for generations… Or be accused of crappy handwriting. This difficult is further compounded by the complexity of many kanji.

麤

The kanji pictured above is translated as “rough” and contains 33 distinct strokes, all of which must be done perfectly for the kanji to be readable. For most Japanese writing this kanji takes the better part of a minute… For one word. The dependence on Kanji makes word processors incredibly difficult to use in Japan. Typing is very very slow and up until the invention of digital word processors nearly all Japanese was hand written as traditional typewriters could not be sued to write kanji.

I could go on and on about Kanji, Japanese writing, and the language in general but I have a distinct feeling most people have already stopped reading this post anyways (sorry kinda got caught up) as it isn’t too terribly entertaining… I promise I`ll make the next one more entertaining… Something about crazy Japanese festivals, Giant robots, or hello kitty themed prisons… For anyone who managed to make it through my teacher-esque ramblings I applaud your perseverance. For now I am off to clean the school with my students… Something I do every day… Seriously…

"Thar she blows!!!!": Being XXL in an XS world

             Firstly I would like to begin this post by clearing up a few rumors that have been circulating about me. It has come to my attention that multiple people are using the words “dashingly handsome” and “pugilistic in size” to describe my physical appearance, While I cannot deny that I possess a façade that speaks of both masculinity and intellect (with just a hint of the exotic) I must take offense to the assertion that I resemble a 1930`s heavyweight boxer. I posses neither the impressive facial hair nor the revealing outfit required under pugilist law as can be seen by the highly detailed cross comparison below.

             

*Note the subtle differences in facial hair, clothing, and casual poses.

             However, this contemplation about my own corporeal self has led me to realize how woefully over-sized I am for the country that I now call home. Standing at 6`1” and tipping the proverbial scales at around 245lbs. I find myself regularly out of place amongst the usually diminutive Japanese. The average height in Japan is 5`5” for men and only 5`0” for women. Likewise the average weight is around 140lbs for men and just 110lbs for women. I stick out in this country like a sore thumb pumpkin in a bag of M&M`s.

Here I am (looking oh-so-debonair) with one of my graduating students and a fellow English teacher... bonus points if you can tell which is which. 

              Be it on a train, in a grocery store, or really anywhere I happen to “be” I find myself gawked at, stared at, and on occasion even discreetly photographed like some sort of vacationing Sasquatch. The looks alone would only be moderately embarrassing but they are often compounded by verbal exclamations regarding size. Another issue (that I will surely mention is posts to come) is the tendency for many Japanese to assume that foreigners speak absolutely zero Japanese and are therefore unable to understand anything said about them. While I would certainly label my Japanese language skill in the mid-to-low beginner range I am able to understand most basic expressions and vocabulary. On more than one occasion I have been quickly sized up by one of the more judgmental and less polite Japanese and had my existence explained using one of these handy words or phrases:

l         “Ō”   (Large)

l         “Ōkī desu ne”   (Big isn’t he?)

l         “Dekai!!!”  (Gigantic!!!)

In addition to the occasional size based exclamations I have had my stomach patted by old and young alike (must be a Buddha thing) usually accompanied by smiles and assertions that I am “Very Healthy”. In fact I have become so renowned for my size that in addition to near constant gifts of food from fellow teachers, I was also unanimously picked to fill the role of Santa Clause for visits to my town`s kindergartens, a job I am already looking forward to doing again next year.

Because I live in a small town I had a few kids recognize me. They asked me why they had seen me before and I told them that Santa had a part time job teaching English in Kaiyo... It blew their minds. I still have kids spot me from time to time whereupon they start waving and yelling "Santa-san!!!".

It is important to note however that I have yet to have anyone refer to my size in a negative or derogatory way, Japanese perceptions don’t work the same way they do in the states. For a country that seems so incredibly obsessed with fashion and looks there is very little judgment regarding other’s physical appearance, a trait I rather admire.

Day to day life however, can prove to be considerably more difficult when faced with things like architecture, clothing, furniture and other features that were clearly not made with foreign body types in mind. One concept that many foreigners (looking at you mom and dad) have trouble getting used to is the near constant need to remove ones shoes upon entering a building along with the occasional need to don slippers when going between rooms within that building. Allow me to walk you through a day in my life at Kaifu High School shoe wise:

8:10am- Arrive at school and change out of tennis shoes into Crocs.

10:30am- Remove Crocs and put on incredibly uncomfortable wooden bathroom shoes to use restroom. Re-apply Crocs before exiting bathroom.

12:30pm- Following lunch put on tennis shoes to walk to the sports field to help with PE class.

1:40pm- Return to school and change back into Crocs.

3:15pm- Change into cleaning slippers for school cleaning time. (Cleaning slippers are roughly the size of the shoes I wore when I was 10…only these don’t light up)

3:30pm- Change back into Crocs for short homeroom

4:05pm- Change into tennis shoes and go home.

4:10pm- Remove tennis shoes and enter home.

In an average day at school I change my shoes between 7 and 10 times depending on bathroom breaks or if I enter one of the many rooms (including the gym) where shoes are not allowed at all. Also, for comparisons sake, these are a one of the largest indoor slippers my school has next to one of my Crocs.

Asked for shoes in my size at a Japanese shoe store once... Employee looked right at me and just laughed...

Needless to say my ability to purchase clothes in Japan is nonexistent with the exception of a handful of big and tall stores scattered about our prefecture. Even then I find myself only able to purchase sweatpants, socks and an incredibly comfortable (and rather dashing) fur lined leather jacket (which is a Japanese 3XL btw…)

Try to just look at the jacket and ignore the huge bird of prey and/or my gleeful expression.

Despite the occasional minor inconvenience my size has yet to cause any major issues during my time in Japan. In fact, the inconveniences are far outweighed by the positive experiences I have had due to my size. Smaller children in Japan are seemingly enthralled by the chance to meet someone of my height and girth that is not a sumo wrestler. On one occasion I was in my town`s grocery store when I felt a tug on the back of my shirt, I looked back to see a small (maybe 5 or 6 year old) Japanese boy staring up at me wide-eyed. He shouted "sue-gehh!!!" (Awesome!!!) before running away smiling and yelling "Dekai Dekai". I chuckled to myself and went back to shopping only to find myself interrupted moments later by his embarrassed mother apologizing profusely and bowing up a storm. I assured her it was OK and even asked the kid (his name was Sosuke) if he wanted to take a picture with me, as offer he readily accepted. So thanks to my size there is (somewhere in Japan) a picture of me standing in a grocery store with a small Japanese boy perched on my shoulder laughing maniacally and waving a peace sign...

P.S. I have yet to (and will most likely never) hear the oh-so-overdone "Gojiraaaaaaa" exclamation from any Japanese... As much as I really wish I would.

The Good, The Bad, and some pickles...

Herein lies the shady underbelly of the aforementioned school lunch experience. In addition to the delightful school cafeteria lunches I also have access to box lunch (bento) sets from an order in company. I have no idea what the actual name of said company is, although I have taken to calling it "Russian Roulette Bento inc." in a mixture of humor and bile laden spite.

The meals from RRB still cost only 500 yen but are considerably larger and possess more variety than their cafeteria competitors. Along with the typical meat, pickles and sides these bentos also come with a massive (comparatively) portion of rice and often a small treat or snack in the form of fruit or sweets. Also unlike the school bentos is the dish variety offered by RRB. Fried foods, Oden (more on this in a future post), noodles and a much larger variety of sides make the RRB lunches a near constant suprise. These bentos occasionally (and far to infrequently) offer a dish that is so mindbogglingly, knee-weakeningly, nirvana-inducingly delicious that I give a small shudder every time I hear its name. However as per the rules of alchemy, "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy`s first law of Equivalent Exchange." So in order for this amazing dish to exist their must also exist its opposite... Foods so unappetizing and nausea inducing that to consume them for lunch would surely end in catastrophe... In addition the contents of the lunches from RRB are always a mystery until they arrive, I find myself standing in front of the order box at 10 every morning rolling a 500 yen coin and my hands and trying to decide how brave I am.

So I pose a question unto you! Would you opt for the safe but average school lunches? Or bravely challenge fate and play the deadly game of culinary Russian Roulette hoping to taste the sweet ambrosia that is the perfect lunch. Ladies and Gentlmen... The evidence!

Exhibit A: 75% Awesome

A fairly standard and semi-frequent lunch from RRB. From top left: Potato salad, tamago-yaki (rolled omelette), Panko shrimp with sweet brown sauce, seaweed and lotus salad, konyaku salad, and fried chicken piece with cabbage.
This meal is very nearly ideal except for the konyaku salad and the plain-ness of the rice. The rice here (while plentiful) is just simple white rice that serves primarily as a filler. The Shrimp are amazingly good as is the seaweed salad and potato salad. The salad in the bottom center is konyaku (brown mostly flavorless gelatin made from Konjac leaves) has the texture of a shoe sole and the flavor of a dirty shoe sole. Placing it in a sweet mayo sauce with cabbage and serving it for a meal seems more like a cruel insult than a culinary decision. Were it not for these two factors (rice and konyaku) this meal would be perfect.

Exhibit B: 55% Awesome

This meal is a perfect example of both the great and evil sides of a RRB lunch. From top left: Bitter greens salad, sour pickle salad, tempura veggies, pork dumpling, "bloomin stick", random veggies, sweet fish and eggplant.
Here we have some of my favorite foods in the form of the dumpling, tempura veggie bundle, sour pickle salad, and sweet fish and eggplant. All of these foods are quite good but are offset by the others
The bitter greens salad is only mildly less appetizing than freshly cut grass, the random veggies all taste like salt and aluminum (note the huge chunk of the previously described konyaku), and the "bloomin stick" (my name) is a pile of room temperature squishy fried onions wrapped in an over salted panko breading. All of this again accentuated by the white rice which (I failed to mention before) always seems to have a slightly metallic aftertaste to it from the RRB.

Exhibit C: 0.000000000001% Awesome

Words cannot describe my absolute abhorrence of this meal, like if this meal was a toy I would break it in a petulant and violent fashion then bury its remains deep within the ground in a mirror lined box where it can never harm humanity again. If this meal were running for president and its sole opposition was a garbage bag full of dirty diapers I would gladly serve as the diaper bags campaign manager.

THIS.MEAL.WAS.TERRIBLE.

In fact I struggle to call it a meal because I only had one bite of each item before simply tossing the whole meal out. This collection of mismatched and poorly conceived foods was the Country Music of foods, it made me sick to my stomach and we would all be better off if it never existed. Allow me to catalogue the items contained in this red plastic box of awefulness.

From top left:
-Those little white and purple bundles of joy are squid... not pieces of squid... not squid flavored something... but whole baby squid. Served cold, lightly steamed, and full of each and every internal organ that squid was born with. It was liking eating a small rubber ball filled with offal. Everything contained within was mushy, slimy and not the least bit tasty. The masterful prep chef had even decided (in what I`m sure was a moment of unbridled malice) to leave the small ink sacs inside of each squid thereby adding a measure of embarrassment to this meal. Now not only would you suffer through the day knowing you ate these little monsters, but so would each and every individual with whom you interact over the next 12 hours. I can see the logic now, "What can I add to this lunch that tastes and looks horrible and will also turn any who consume into into a social pariah?". The squid were by far the worst part of this already terrible meal and after consuming only one of them I spent the rest of the day feeling queasy and trying to hide my tongue from everyone.
-Next over resting oh-so-gingerly on a bed of raw cabbage is not one BUT TWO bloomin sticks. Because sometimes one soggy, salty, mushy deep fried stick of onions just inst enough. Meanwhile in order to bring an air of sophistication and class to this meal they added a lightly fried piece of pork fat covered in ketchup as either a palate cleanser or the punchline to some joke I still don't get. I have seen toddlers eating sand with more refined palates than whoever designed this meal.
-The next contestant on the "Who Has the Weakest Gag Reflex" show is a cold salad made from wilted spinach, raw onions, and what I assume was spoiled yogurt. It was sour and unpleasant and had a texture akin to that of baby food. At this point I was earnestly looking around for a camera or some sign that I could stop eating this meal and be let in on the joke... There was no camera...
-Next around is the sour pickle salad I am usually quite fond of. However by this time I was so distraught I could only look at it and sigh, not out of frustration mind you but out of emphatic shame. I felt bad for this food in the same way one feels bad for a friend with bad neighbors. I could almost see the usually enjoyable salad shrugging its shoulders at me and mumbling an apology. I couldn't bring myself to eat it and instead just stared longingly at it thinking of better meals it could have been a part of.
-Next over is an assortment of vegetables, seafood products, and an egg that had apparently all been boield in the same stinky water for an unknown amount of time before being slopped into my tray. Each item tasted like sulphur and old fish and made my whole desk smell like a bible story for the whole day.
-Last but assuredly not least is the heaping portion of rice that accompanies every meal in Japan. However today instead f the same old dependable white rice it had been liberally sprinkled with a yellow powder THAT TASTED LIKE SULPHUR. They included the empty packet of seasoning along with the rice (either to add insult to injury or for allergy reasons... I dont know which) and it was apparently supposed to taste like eggs and not the cave from Temple of Doom. Mission Failed there seasoning packet.

This meal single handedly ruined my day and has made me very wary of ordering from RRB again... However, as you will see by my next post I am still lured to those red plastic boxes everyday by the tempting promise of Chirashizushi.

Exhibit D: 100% Awesome

Allow me to skip through the average parts of this meal to get to the main event. From top left: steamed broccoli flowers, sour pickle salad, pasta salad, steamed Japanese pumpkin, rolled omelette, and bone in fried chicken wings. Those items themselves are the making of an incredibly good lunch, everything works well together and is quite tasty. All of this however is eclipsed... nay, consumed... by the radiant delicious glow of chirashizushi. That box on the right of that picture is what happens when you take plain white rice and mix it with a unicorns tears. That innocuous looking box of rice mixed with egg, vegetables, pickled ginger and seasoned with what I can only describe as "What dreams taste like" is the be all and end all in Japanese lunches. I am incapable of explaining WHY its so incredibly good, I can only assert that is IS that good. Everything in the rice works so well together that it doesn't taste like any of its component parts, only something new and altogether amazing. If I could eat this everyday for the rest of my life I absolutely would. What that previous meal was to a bag full of used diapers, this meal is to a bag full of puppies made of rainbows... I love this lunch in a way that can only be described by Elizabethan Era prose...

So there you have it, the daily struggle that is my lunch decision laid out for all to see. I`m not proud of my inability to effectively choose what to feed myself on a day to day basis but the stakes are so unbelievably high that I feel like I deserve some modicum of credit. So that's it, those are all of my lunch choices and nothing else ever presents itself as an option for consumption at school.... Oh Wait... I lied... There totally is another option.

Only the bravest of men dare to tell the story of a meal that comes around less frequently than the new moon but possesses the power to turn the mightiest of eaters into sobbing heaps of joy... A meal spoken about in hushed whispers that contains not only the foods of the gods, but hope that lunch need not always be overshadowed by dinner...

Stay tuned for the next and final chapter in the exciting Alex Heichelbech bestselling trilogy "A Boxfull of Lunch"

Lord of the Flies pt. 2- Electric Boogaloo

I was keen to do another picture heavy post but I forgot the thumb drive with my photos and couldn't be bothered to make the three minute walk home to retrieve it.... In other words its time for a soapbox moment.

Since my arrival in Japan I have had the opportunity to meet other folks from all over the world including (but not limited to) Japan, England, Wales, Scotland, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, South Africa, Canada, Taiwan, The Philippines, Singapore, and the myriad states that make up America (including Alaska and Hawaii). It has been a great experience to interact with all of the wonderfully unique individuals and I have made some very close friends.

However, despite our unique situation we have encountered the same issues that eventually confront any group of individuals when forced to interact with one another over any considerable span of time. Allow me to make use of Tuckman`s stages of group development to explain what I mean.

*Writers Note: This post is certainly not meant as an attack on anybody, I love all of the folks here but no one can deny we have had some... growing pains.*

Stage 1- Formin:
The first step along Tuckmans trail towards gradual subterfuge and backstabbing (Shikokes*) is the formative stage. This stage is most easily defined as team building and was especially powerful for all of us. Despite out best attempts we ALT`s find ourselves very much on the outside of the culture we are expected to live in. The best example I ever had presented to me was that of a panda at a zoo. People love to see the panda and even enjoy interacting with one to a certain extent. However, at the end of the day most people would be reluctant to befriend a panda, invite a panda over for movie night, or encourage a panda to marry their attractive daughter (sad face). In much the same way it can at times feel like many of us are here as living attractions and often encounter confusion or even resistance when we try to assimilate into our communities. This is not to say that Japanese people are rude or dismissive of us (although in some cases this is undoubtedly true), only that there is a much more distinct "us" and "them" mentality here than what many of us are used to.

*"Shikokes" is a phrased used as a sort of onomatopoeia for an effective joke amongst our group. The island on which we reside is Shikoku, so any jokes that occur here are often referred to as "Shikokes". In fact we have developed quite an expansive lexicon of Tokushima ALT dialect... Ill go into that some other time.*

That being said the formin stage was and still is crucial for us living here. While some individuals are perfectly content to live quiet lives by themselves in their host town, most of us crave social interaction with people whom we can easily connect with and are experiences many of the same trials and tribulations. In this way, I feel like we were very quick to bond with each other and I can honestly say this is one of the most close knit communities I have ever belonged to. No matter what sort of problems one may encounter there is inevitably someone who can quickly and effectively help you out. Its a unique experience to belong to a group of only 40 or so individuals who are spread out over an area roughly the size of a small state. Here we tend to bond not only out of mutual interests, but more as a means of survival and to ensure some degree of familiarity and normalcy in our usually hectic schedules.

Stage 2- Stormin:
As any person who has had a roommate or an annoying sibling (sorry Jess) can attest, eventually your mind shifts away from how great your relationship is and begins to drift into the "I`m going to kill this person" zone. In many ways we bring this stage upon ourselves far quicker than it would normally occur within a group due to our tendency to plan copious and frequent events, our proximity to one another, and the generous amount of alcohol consumed at many of our shindigs.

Basically when you throw a big group of foreigners together who are overpaid, stressed, and often inebriated the risk of conflict skyrockets. As is true in most cases personalities clash, feelings get hurt, and people get left out of activities resulting in intense (and often short lived) animosity between individuals or groups. This issue is again compounded by our inability to avoid one another, the same group of people is present at almost all events so there is no effective way to avoid individuals you don't gel with without alienating yourself from the entire group. Luckily these occurrences are quite infrequent but needless to say quite a few social rifts have indeed been opened.

In addition, due to individual placement many JET`s have started to clique off into groups. This is understandable since some ALT`s live in the same apartment complex while others (like myself) live at least 2 hours away from a concentrated group of ALT`s. I for one feel lucky to be away from the group as my interaction with everyone is somewhat infrequent and most of my understanding of current "beefs" and "squabbles" is usually secondhand. Sadly I fear some individuals will never exit the Stormin stage either due to their inability to accept other people faults or because they themselves are just really terrible people (Shikokes!!!).

Stage 3- Normin:
By the Normin stage the need to clique off and find a smaller set of friends is almost a necessity. In no conceivable universe could 40 or 50 drastically different individuals come together and maintain an effective relationship for years at a time (herein lies mt Lord of the Flies reference). This is not to say we completely fracture off per se, just that people have established their base set of friends in relation to everyone else in the group. Common interests, travel plans, proximity, and available free time are all factors that dictate how groups form and in the long run I am positive this is a better system than trying to maintain a 50 strong social group.

Stage 4- Performin:
The final stage occurs when a groups members gel to the point that they get along nearly 100% of the time. Most people that know me also know that I am very much a laid back low impact sort of guy. I dont need to be constantly on the move or actively engaged constantly. For this reason the folks I get along best with are the ones who are just as happy spending a lazy afternoon eating sushi and playing video games as they are taking a week long vacation to some far away place... Or just leaving the apartment really.

Yes despite out unique set of skills and our at times stressful day to day lives we all manage to find a way to be happy in our new faraway home. While I cant say that I get along great with every person here I can quite confidently say there are no individuals here towards whom i harbor any ill feelings. In a community as small, sparse, and transient as ours being able to connect with others is essential to not only enjoy your time here but also plays an important role in how long we can live here happily.

To all of my friends here in Japan I extend a heartfelt thank you for being so understanding and helpful towards your gaijin brethren... As for those people who refuse to be welcoming... Please don't recontact (Conclusion Shikokes)

For my first informational post I will discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart and has simultaneously been one of the most enjoyable, and at times frightening, experiences for me in Japan. I am talking of course about... School Lunch.

Japanese school lunch or kyuushoku is to American school lunch what Ruth`s Chris Steakhouse is to a gas station vending machine. Each and every meal is freshly made from high quality (and sometimes local) foods. Each lunch includes some form of protein, vegetables, fruit, and of course rice. To say that the food is delicious wold be a dramatic understatement, most every item I have had in the school lunch is incredibly flavorful and each portion of the meal is tailored not only to fulfill a certain health requirement but also to compliment the other items in the meal.

In addition, I have yet to have a repeat meal, every days meal is unique based on what ingredients the cafeteria has for the day. The only exception is every Friday when karaage (think popcorn chicken) is served, even then the sides are always different. What follows are just a couple of the examples of the types of school lunch I have enjoyed thus far. Keep in mind that these meals are prepared by a team of sweet little old ladies and only cost me 500円 (about 5 bucks) each.

 This is one of my favorite meals thus far. From top left: Fried tofu with citrus sauce, cabbage with kimchi sauce, daikon salad with carrots cucumbers and little dead fish, red sour daikon pickles, sweet glazed salmon with shredded cabbage and an apple slice, and a heaping helping of rice.

Next is the ubiquitous Friday Karaage meal. From top left: potato salad, black seaweed salad, mystery vegetables (I seriosuly have no idea what the pale green bean looking things were, neither did any teachers around me), red sour daikon pickles, karaage with shredded cabbage and an apple slice, and... you guessed it more rice.

These meals are a huge step above the slop and junk food they serve in schools back home. This is what you get from a country that realizes encouraging students to make good decisions early on will set them up for success.

So I know what you are thinking, "Wow Alex! Aside from your amazing good looks and your cunning charm you also have an amazing lunch every day." And while I really do appreciate the compliment I have to disagree... These are not my only lunch options... Oh no I have not one but TWO options for where to purchase my lunch every day. In addition to the school cafeteria I can also order lunch from a bento (box lunch) delivery service, also for a mere 500 yen. And these meals... Vary from mind blowing deliciousness, to H.P. Lovecraft levels of terrifying.

Coming Soon...