Etiquette in Japan: When in doubt... apologize

Allow me to begin this post about apologies with an apology. I have failed to keep this blog as updated as I would have liked due to one part busy schedule and about nine parts laziness/procrastination. Anyhow, I'm going to try to do one post a week from here on out with more frequent postings of pictures, videos and the like. I hope you enjoy the new and improved Kaiyo no Gaijin.

And now back to our regularly scheduled (and long awaited?) programming.

I would say that on average back in America I used the words "I`m sorry" or "I apologize" less than a dozen times a day. I think the average well mannered American with a moderate amount of social graces would find this number to be quite normal. If I had to put a quantity to the amount of times I use an apologetic word or phrase in Japan everyday  I would estimate it in the 100-150 range... No joke.

The Japanese have done for apologizing what Americans have done for swear words. Elevated them from a rudimentary form of expressing one's feelings into an art form that can be captivating to witness or be a part of. Within the Japanese culture the plethora of apologetic words, phrases and gestures are the go to tactics for:

-Genuine apologies

-Getting a persons attention

-Greetings

-Welcoming a guest into your house

-Entering a room

-Leaving a room

-Saying thank you

And my personal favorite

-Giving a gift

In the case of welcoming a guest into your house and giving a gift, the apology is used to express your belief that both of these things are inadequate and bordering on being offensive towards the intended visitor/recipient. In essence, inviting a person over for coffee plays out like so:

(When having a person over to your house for the first time as soon as they enter you say)

-"My house is such a dump... I`m really sorry about exposing you to all this."

Similarly, the apology when giving a gift is to express both the lackluster quality of the gift you are providing and to reassure the person receiving the gift that they deserve better:

(Holding your overpriced and professionally wrapped gift out to the intended recipient you belt out this peach of a "here you go, hope you like it")

-"This is for you... I`m sorry its such a low quality junker of a gift... If you aren't too offended would you mind accepting it?"

Crazy... I know. But lets go deeper into the atonement rabbit hole and explore the complexities and oddities of always being ashamed of yourself in Japan. We shall begin with the nonverbal.

Bowing

The simple act of bowing (a very Victorian notion to us westerners) is a crucial part of Japanese interactions and mannerisms. It is a sign of respect, trust and obedience all bundled into one. HOWEVER, the complexities withing the Japanese bowing ideology are incredibly complicated and require a great deal of cultural understanding and a high level of proficiency in both mathematical angles and Pilates.

At a glance a Japanese person can tell what sort of emotion a bow is meant to convey simply by observing the angle at which the person bows and the types of fervent apologies they are screaming whilst doing so.

The Japanese bow ranges from a simple inclining of the head (very casual hello) to a 45 degree bend at the waist as pictured above. All of these are used primarily as greetings with the higher degree of bow indicating the importance of the bow and seniority of the person you are bowing to. Above 45 degrees is where we hit apology territory.

Bowing at the waist at 90 degrees with the hands still held firmly against the sides is what I have come to call the "I done goofed..." position. This form of bow is used when one has embarrassed, inconvenienced or otherwise offended another individual of greater authority. I see this one performed by numerous students everyday who have forgotten their homework, misbehaved in class or enjoy being overly dramatic/sarcastic with their apologies.

But even the ole "I done goofed" bow has absolutely nothing on the great grandfather of Japanese bows. In my (cumulative) two years in Japan I have yet to see this bow actually performed live and in person . Its like a zombie apocalypse or brain surgery... Something I am interested in but hope to never have to actually experience (bah-dum-tiss). So without further adieu, distraction, gilding the lily, building up dramatic tension or making excessive use of commas I give to you... DOGENZA!!!!!

Now that ladies and gentlemen... is a bow. The act of Dogenza (a name which to me evokes visions of  a Godzilla-style monster) is the Japanese form of prostrate bowing that signifies a complete disregard for one's own dignity. This form of apology is used when an earth shattering mistake has been made (or to beg for mercy from a bloodthirsty samurai... presumably) and you have no choice but to defame yourself in front of your peers or superiors. The word "Dogenza" translates (loosely) as "sitting right on the ground" which to us sounds pretty mundane but in Japanese culture is quite the big to-do. In ancient Japan this form of bowing was used to show deference or obeisance to Japanese royalty or to offer one's life up for a mistake or offense given. In other words performing Dogenza in front of a person you wronged was essentially giving them permission to end your life... Serious stuff.

Whew... That got dark pretty fast didnt it? All that prostrate bowing and potential beheading... nasty stuff. On to some lighter fare with the verbal methods of apology that serve to grease the wheels of Japanese social interactions.

1. Sumimasen (Sue-mee-mah-sen): And the art of Restaurant Service  
This word functions as a sort of catch all for interacting within Japanese society and is easily the most common form of apology. From my perspective, sumimasen has nearly the exact same usage in Japanese as "excuse me" does in English. It can be used to apologize for minor infractions (my constant bumping into people or always seemingly being in everyone's way for example) or simply as a way of getting a persons attention. This second usage is especially important when dining in a Japanese sit down restaurant, as table service is much different than we Americans are used to. After sitting down you will each receive a microscopic glass of water from a smiling staff member who will then disappear like some sort of genie. On more than one occasions I have seen a table laden with freshly arrived tourists that sits looking annoyed for the better party of an hour wondering why no cheerful waitress has approached them for their order. The reason being that Japanese wait staff  expect you to let them know when you are ready. In some cases each table is equipped with a small egg shaped button that will re-summon your server a-la lamp rub. In other cases one member of your party (we'll call him/her "The Alpha") must locate an employee, fix them with a stony gaze and then belt out a hearty "Sumimasen" at which point you will receive rapid and very friendly service. Similarly anytime you are shopping, dining, traveling or clinging to the edge of a deep ravine with just your fingertips... A simple sumimasen will ensure assistance is incoming*

2. Gomenasai (Go-men-uh-sigh): For the slightly larger "goofs"
More akin to the English "I`m sorry", this term is the truest way to express an apology. However, unlike "I'm sorry", gomenasai is really only used for direct apologies for action you feel responsible for... Allow me to explain. Listed below are some examples of other meanings/uses for the phrase "I'm sorry" that the word gomenasai doesn't cover:
1. -"My grandmother just passed away"     -"I'm sorry to hear that"     Empathetic sorrow
2. -"Can you hand me the (unintelligable)"     -"I'm sorry?"                   I didn't understand you
3. -"What a sorry excuse for a bolognese..."                                        Sad/ Pathetic

Again I hear/use this word hundreds of times a day because every little minor (often perceived) infraction requires a very straightforward apology. For example earlier this morning i was using one of the copy machines when another teacher approached. The teacher looked at me... Looked at the copy machine.. Then asked "are you using this?"... I nodded and gave a friendly "yes", only for the teacher to back away slowly bowing and repeating "gomenasai" over and over. This is, sadly, not an isolated event.

3. Shitsureishimas (Shih-tzu-ray-she-moss): Okay... This is just ridiculous...
The last of the apologetic terms I will discuss (because there are many many more) is the one I find most bizarre from a native English speakers perspective. The closest English word I can compare this one to is "rude". For example indicating another person and saying "shitsurei ne (shih-tzu-rei  ney)" is akin to saying "he is rude"... However, when a person says "shitsureishimas" it means "I am rude"...

Ill let that simmer for a bit...

Have you cleaned up the bits of skull and grey matter from where your head exploded there? The Japanese have a form of formal apology where you just flat out admit to being a jerk. In Japanese this is most commonly used when you are intruding on someone else or when entering the room/office/home of one of your superiors. I hear this particular apology (admission of guilt?) most often from students. This is because every time they enter the teachers office (or "The Bullpen" as I have come to call it) they say "shitsureishimas" as soon as they enter and then the past-tense "shitsureishimashita (shih-tzu-rei-she-ma-she-ta)" before they leave. I always picture it translating into English thusly:

***(warning slight use of minor foul language ahead for emphasis and comedic effect)***

(Student approaches teachers room to ask a question about an upcoming assignment... Student pulls open door, enters the office and bows)
Student- "I'M AN ASSHOLE!!!"
(Student walks to teachers desk and after a brief conversation retreats back to the door where he/she once again turns to face the office and bow)
Student- "I WAS AN ASSHOLE!!!"
(Student departs for classroom.... AND NOBODY BUT ME THOUGHT THAT WAS STRANGE)

I just... Its like... Why do they... *sigh*... I give up Japan. Its like the things I am supposed to laugh here just seem cruel or disquietingly disturbing and the things I find outright hilarious are friggin customs... IS THIS REAL LIFE? CAN I GET OFF THE RIDE NOW?

...

Sorry... I lost it there... I didn't have time for breakfast this morning because I had to get to school early to do the GOVERNMENT MANDATED EXERCISE ROUTINE. Three days a week I have to come to school thirty minutes early to do a ten minute mass jazzercise with 400 kids and 50 dead eyed adults. As a part of my job I have to do the same series of stretches, jumps and twists at eight in the morning while wearing a suit and tie... Its like an MC Escher painting, you can tell something is wrong but your brain keeps trying to logic out a solution.

This country is tearing me apart... But like the chocolate cake that will some day be the death of me... I just cant get enough of it... And for that I will never say I'm sorry.



*The implication that saying "sumimasen" will provide immediate help when in a life threatening situation was done for comedic purposes only. The author does not recommend engaging in unsafe activities under the assumption that saying "sumimasen" will render any and all danger inert.