The Good, The Bad, and some pickles...

Herein lies the shady underbelly of the aforementioned school lunch experience. In addition to the delightful school cafeteria lunches I also have access to box lunch (bento) sets from an order in company. I have no idea what the actual name of said company is, although I have taken to calling it "Russian Roulette Bento inc." in a mixture of humor and bile laden spite.

The meals from RRB still cost only 500 yen but are considerably larger and possess more variety than their cafeteria competitors. Along with the typical meat, pickles and sides these bentos also come with a massive (comparatively) portion of rice and often a small treat or snack in the form of fruit or sweets. Also unlike the school bentos is the dish variety offered by RRB. Fried foods, Oden (more on this in a future post), noodles and a much larger variety of sides make the RRB lunches a near constant suprise. These bentos occasionally (and far to infrequently) offer a dish that is so mindbogglingly, knee-weakeningly, nirvana-inducingly delicious that I give a small shudder every time I hear its name. However as per the rules of alchemy, "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy`s first law of Equivalent Exchange." So in order for this amazing dish to exist their must also exist its opposite... Foods so unappetizing and nausea inducing that to consume them for lunch would surely end in catastrophe... In addition the contents of the lunches from RRB are always a mystery until they arrive, I find myself standing in front of the order box at 10 every morning rolling a 500 yen coin and my hands and trying to decide how brave I am.

So I pose a question unto you! Would you opt for the safe but average school lunches? Or bravely challenge fate and play the deadly game of culinary Russian Roulette hoping to taste the sweet ambrosia that is the perfect lunch. Ladies and Gentlmen... The evidence!

Exhibit A: 75% Awesome

A fairly standard and semi-frequent lunch from RRB. From top left: Potato salad, tamago-yaki (rolled omelette), Panko shrimp with sweet brown sauce, seaweed and lotus salad, konyaku salad, and fried chicken piece with cabbage.
This meal is very nearly ideal except for the konyaku salad and the plain-ness of the rice. The rice here (while plentiful) is just simple white rice that serves primarily as a filler. The Shrimp are amazingly good as is the seaweed salad and potato salad. The salad in the bottom center is konyaku (brown mostly flavorless gelatin made from Konjac leaves) has the texture of a shoe sole and the flavor of a dirty shoe sole. Placing it in a sweet mayo sauce with cabbage and serving it for a meal seems more like a cruel insult than a culinary decision. Were it not for these two factors (rice and konyaku) this meal would be perfect.

Exhibit B: 55% Awesome

This meal is a perfect example of both the great and evil sides of a RRB lunch. From top left: Bitter greens salad, sour pickle salad, tempura veggies, pork dumpling, "bloomin stick", random veggies, sweet fish and eggplant.
Here we have some of my favorite foods in the form of the dumpling, tempura veggie bundle, sour pickle salad, and sweet fish and eggplant. All of these foods are quite good but are offset by the others
The bitter greens salad is only mildly less appetizing than freshly cut grass, the random veggies all taste like salt and aluminum (note the huge chunk of the previously described konyaku), and the "bloomin stick" (my name) is a pile of room temperature squishy fried onions wrapped in an over salted panko breading. All of this again accentuated by the white rice which (I failed to mention before) always seems to have a slightly metallic aftertaste to it from the RRB.

Exhibit C: 0.000000000001% Awesome

Words cannot describe my absolute abhorrence of this meal, like if this meal was a toy I would break it in a petulant and violent fashion then bury its remains deep within the ground in a mirror lined box where it can never harm humanity again. If this meal were running for president and its sole opposition was a garbage bag full of dirty diapers I would gladly serve as the diaper bags campaign manager.

THIS.MEAL.WAS.TERRIBLE.

In fact I struggle to call it a meal because I only had one bite of each item before simply tossing the whole meal out. This collection of mismatched and poorly conceived foods was the Country Music of foods, it made me sick to my stomach and we would all be better off if it never existed. Allow me to catalogue the items contained in this red plastic box of awefulness.

From top left:
-Those little white and purple bundles of joy are squid... not pieces of squid... not squid flavored something... but whole baby squid. Served cold, lightly steamed, and full of each and every internal organ that squid was born with. It was liking eating a small rubber ball filled with offal. Everything contained within was mushy, slimy and not the least bit tasty. The masterful prep chef had even decided (in what I`m sure was a moment of unbridled malice) to leave the small ink sacs inside of each squid thereby adding a measure of embarrassment to this meal. Now not only would you suffer through the day knowing you ate these little monsters, but so would each and every individual with whom you interact over the next 12 hours. I can see the logic now, "What can I add to this lunch that tastes and looks horrible and will also turn any who consume into into a social pariah?". The squid were by far the worst part of this already terrible meal and after consuming only one of them I spent the rest of the day feeling queasy and trying to hide my tongue from everyone.
-Next over resting oh-so-gingerly on a bed of raw cabbage is not one BUT TWO bloomin sticks. Because sometimes one soggy, salty, mushy deep fried stick of onions just inst enough. Meanwhile in order to bring an air of sophistication and class to this meal they added a lightly fried piece of pork fat covered in ketchup as either a palate cleanser or the punchline to some joke I still don't get. I have seen toddlers eating sand with more refined palates than whoever designed this meal.
-The next contestant on the "Who Has the Weakest Gag Reflex" show is a cold salad made from wilted spinach, raw onions, and what I assume was spoiled yogurt. It was sour and unpleasant and had a texture akin to that of baby food. At this point I was earnestly looking around for a camera or some sign that I could stop eating this meal and be let in on the joke... There was no camera...
-Next around is the sour pickle salad I am usually quite fond of. However by this time I was so distraught I could only look at it and sigh, not out of frustration mind you but out of emphatic shame. I felt bad for this food in the same way one feels bad for a friend with bad neighbors. I could almost see the usually enjoyable salad shrugging its shoulders at me and mumbling an apology. I couldn't bring myself to eat it and instead just stared longingly at it thinking of better meals it could have been a part of.
-Next over is an assortment of vegetables, seafood products, and an egg that had apparently all been boield in the same stinky water for an unknown amount of time before being slopped into my tray. Each item tasted like sulphur and old fish and made my whole desk smell like a bible story for the whole day.
-Last but assuredly not least is the heaping portion of rice that accompanies every meal in Japan. However today instead f the same old dependable white rice it had been liberally sprinkled with a yellow powder THAT TASTED LIKE SULPHUR. They included the empty packet of seasoning along with the rice (either to add insult to injury or for allergy reasons... I dont know which) and it was apparently supposed to taste like eggs and not the cave from Temple of Doom. Mission Failed there seasoning packet.

This meal single handedly ruined my day and has made me very wary of ordering from RRB again... However, as you will see by my next post I am still lured to those red plastic boxes everyday by the tempting promise of Chirashizushi.

Exhibit D: 100% Awesome

Allow me to skip through the average parts of this meal to get to the main event. From top left: steamed broccoli flowers, sour pickle salad, pasta salad, steamed Japanese pumpkin, rolled omelette, and bone in fried chicken wings. Those items themselves are the making of an incredibly good lunch, everything works well together and is quite tasty. All of this however is eclipsed... nay, consumed... by the radiant delicious glow of chirashizushi. That box on the right of that picture is what happens when you take plain white rice and mix it with a unicorns tears. That innocuous looking box of rice mixed with egg, vegetables, pickled ginger and seasoned with what I can only describe as "What dreams taste like" is the be all and end all in Japanese lunches. I am incapable of explaining WHY its so incredibly good, I can only assert that is IS that good. Everything in the rice works so well together that it doesn't taste like any of its component parts, only something new and altogether amazing. If I could eat this everyday for the rest of my life I absolutely would. What that previous meal was to a bag full of used diapers, this meal is to a bag full of puppies made of rainbows... I love this lunch in a way that can only be described by Elizabethan Era prose...

So there you have it, the daily struggle that is my lunch decision laid out for all to see. I`m not proud of my inability to effectively choose what to feed myself on a day to day basis but the stakes are so unbelievably high that I feel like I deserve some modicum of credit. So that's it, those are all of my lunch choices and nothing else ever presents itself as an option for consumption at school.... Oh Wait... I lied... There totally is another option.

Only the bravest of men dare to tell the story of a meal that comes around less frequently than the new moon but possesses the power to turn the mightiest of eaters into sobbing heaps of joy... A meal spoken about in hushed whispers that contains not only the foods of the gods, but hope that lunch need not always be overshadowed by dinner...

Stay tuned for the next and final chapter in the exciting Alex Heichelbech bestselling trilogy "A Boxfull of Lunch"

Lord of the Flies pt. 2- Electric Boogaloo

I was keen to do another picture heavy post but I forgot the thumb drive with my photos and couldn't be bothered to make the three minute walk home to retrieve it.... In other words its time for a soapbox moment.

Since my arrival in Japan I have had the opportunity to meet other folks from all over the world including (but not limited to) Japan, England, Wales, Scotland, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, South Africa, Canada, Taiwan, The Philippines, Singapore, and the myriad states that make up America (including Alaska and Hawaii). It has been a great experience to interact with all of the wonderfully unique individuals and I have made some very close friends.

However, despite our unique situation we have encountered the same issues that eventually confront any group of individuals when forced to interact with one another over any considerable span of time. Allow me to make use of Tuckman`s stages of group development to explain what I mean.

*Writers Note: This post is certainly not meant as an attack on anybody, I love all of the folks here but no one can deny we have had some... growing pains.*

Stage 1- Formin:
The first step along Tuckmans trail towards gradual subterfuge and backstabbing (Shikokes*) is the formative stage. This stage is most easily defined as team building and was especially powerful for all of us. Despite out best attempts we ALT`s find ourselves very much on the outside of the culture we are expected to live in. The best example I ever had presented to me was that of a panda at a zoo. People love to see the panda and even enjoy interacting with one to a certain extent. However, at the end of the day most people would be reluctant to befriend a panda, invite a panda over for movie night, or encourage a panda to marry their attractive daughter (sad face). In much the same way it can at times feel like many of us are here as living attractions and often encounter confusion or even resistance when we try to assimilate into our communities. This is not to say that Japanese people are rude or dismissive of us (although in some cases this is undoubtedly true), only that there is a much more distinct "us" and "them" mentality here than what many of us are used to.

*"Shikokes" is a phrased used as a sort of onomatopoeia for an effective joke amongst our group. The island on which we reside is Shikoku, so any jokes that occur here are often referred to as "Shikokes". In fact we have developed quite an expansive lexicon of Tokushima ALT dialect... Ill go into that some other time.*

That being said the formin stage was and still is crucial for us living here. While some individuals are perfectly content to live quiet lives by themselves in their host town, most of us crave social interaction with people whom we can easily connect with and are experiences many of the same trials and tribulations. In this way, I feel like we were very quick to bond with each other and I can honestly say this is one of the most close knit communities I have ever belonged to. No matter what sort of problems one may encounter there is inevitably someone who can quickly and effectively help you out. Its a unique experience to belong to a group of only 40 or so individuals who are spread out over an area roughly the size of a small state. Here we tend to bond not only out of mutual interests, but more as a means of survival and to ensure some degree of familiarity and normalcy in our usually hectic schedules.

Stage 2- Stormin:
As any person who has had a roommate or an annoying sibling (sorry Jess) can attest, eventually your mind shifts away from how great your relationship is and begins to drift into the "I`m going to kill this person" zone. In many ways we bring this stage upon ourselves far quicker than it would normally occur within a group due to our tendency to plan copious and frequent events, our proximity to one another, and the generous amount of alcohol consumed at many of our shindigs.

Basically when you throw a big group of foreigners together who are overpaid, stressed, and often inebriated the risk of conflict skyrockets. As is true in most cases personalities clash, feelings get hurt, and people get left out of activities resulting in intense (and often short lived) animosity between individuals or groups. This issue is again compounded by our inability to avoid one another, the same group of people is present at almost all events so there is no effective way to avoid individuals you don't gel with without alienating yourself from the entire group. Luckily these occurrences are quite infrequent but needless to say quite a few social rifts have indeed been opened.

In addition, due to individual placement many JET`s have started to clique off into groups. This is understandable since some ALT`s live in the same apartment complex while others (like myself) live at least 2 hours away from a concentrated group of ALT`s. I for one feel lucky to be away from the group as my interaction with everyone is somewhat infrequent and most of my understanding of current "beefs" and "squabbles" is usually secondhand. Sadly I fear some individuals will never exit the Stormin stage either due to their inability to accept other people faults or because they themselves are just really terrible people (Shikokes!!!).

Stage 3- Normin:
By the Normin stage the need to clique off and find a smaller set of friends is almost a necessity. In no conceivable universe could 40 or 50 drastically different individuals come together and maintain an effective relationship for years at a time (herein lies mt Lord of the Flies reference). This is not to say we completely fracture off per se, just that people have established their base set of friends in relation to everyone else in the group. Common interests, travel plans, proximity, and available free time are all factors that dictate how groups form and in the long run I am positive this is a better system than trying to maintain a 50 strong social group.

Stage 4- Performin:
The final stage occurs when a groups members gel to the point that they get along nearly 100% of the time. Most people that know me also know that I am very much a laid back low impact sort of guy. I dont need to be constantly on the move or actively engaged constantly. For this reason the folks I get along best with are the ones who are just as happy spending a lazy afternoon eating sushi and playing video games as they are taking a week long vacation to some far away place... Or just leaving the apartment really.

Yes despite out unique set of skills and our at times stressful day to day lives we all manage to find a way to be happy in our new faraway home. While I cant say that I get along great with every person here I can quite confidently say there are no individuals here towards whom i harbor any ill feelings. In a community as small, sparse, and transient as ours being able to connect with others is essential to not only enjoy your time here but also plays an important role in how long we can live here happily.

To all of my friends here in Japan I extend a heartfelt thank you for being so understanding and helpful towards your gaijin brethren... As for those people who refuse to be welcoming... Please don't recontact (Conclusion Shikokes)

For my first informational post I will discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart and has simultaneously been one of the most enjoyable, and at times frightening, experiences for me in Japan. I am talking of course about... School Lunch.

Japanese school lunch or kyuushoku is to American school lunch what Ruth`s Chris Steakhouse is to a gas station vending machine. Each and every meal is freshly made from high quality (and sometimes local) foods. Each lunch includes some form of protein, vegetables, fruit, and of course rice. To say that the food is delicious wold be a dramatic understatement, most every item I have had in the school lunch is incredibly flavorful and each portion of the meal is tailored not only to fulfill a certain health requirement but also to compliment the other items in the meal.

In addition, I have yet to have a repeat meal, every days meal is unique based on what ingredients the cafeteria has for the day. The only exception is every Friday when karaage (think popcorn chicken) is served, even then the sides are always different. What follows are just a couple of the examples of the types of school lunch I have enjoyed thus far. Keep in mind that these meals are prepared by a team of sweet little old ladies and only cost me 500円 (about 5 bucks) each.

 This is one of my favorite meals thus far. From top left: Fried tofu with citrus sauce, cabbage with kimchi sauce, daikon salad with carrots cucumbers and little dead fish, red sour daikon pickles, sweet glazed salmon with shredded cabbage and an apple slice, and a heaping helping of rice.

Next is the ubiquitous Friday Karaage meal. From top left: potato salad, black seaweed salad, mystery vegetables (I seriosuly have no idea what the pale green bean looking things were, neither did any teachers around me), red sour daikon pickles, karaage with shredded cabbage and an apple slice, and... you guessed it more rice.

These meals are a huge step above the slop and junk food they serve in schools back home. This is what you get from a country that realizes encouraging students to make good decisions early on will set them up for success.

So I know what you are thinking, "Wow Alex! Aside from your amazing good looks and your cunning charm you also have an amazing lunch every day." And while I really do appreciate the compliment I have to disagree... These are not my only lunch options... Oh no I have not one but TWO options for where to purchase my lunch every day. In addition to the school cafeteria I can also order lunch from a bento (box lunch) delivery service, also for a mere 500 yen. And these meals... Vary from mind blowing deliciousness, to H.P. Lovecraft levels of terrifying.

Coming Soon...

Welcome! One and All!!!

So after just shy of 9 months in my new home I have finally amassed enough experiences to justify the creation of a blog (something I swore I would never do). However, I harbor no visions of grandeur wherein this blog becomes a widespread cultural phenomenon and I can revel in the fame, glory, and inter net money that comes from such ventures. No, instead I plan to utilize this blog primarily as a way for my friends and family to keep up with what I am doing, seeing (and eating) in my new home abroad.

I am not really sure what sort of format or regularity this blog will utilize, but I have tentatively planned some hopefully interesting segments to include (but not limited to):
-School Lunch (aka culinary Russian roulette)
-"Thar She Blows!!!" (aka being huge in a country where everything is little)
-"I hear Banjos..." (aka living in super rural Japan)
-Not your average vacation (aka the unique holiday and vacation opportunities afforded a resident of Japan)
-My friend Sudachi-kun (aka information about my host prefecture and town)
-The holy-golden-arches (aka Americanization in Japan)
-Is that... Peanut Butter? (aka the quest for a taste of home and unexpected surprises)
-Lord of the Flies pt. 2- Electric Boogaloo (aka How a bunch on mismatched foreigners interact and survive together on a faraway island)
-AND MORE!!!! (I feel like this part is a mandatory part of any future list)

So to any and all who take the time to follow this blog (my parents and maybe an aunt or two...) be ready for sharp witted humor, cutting invective, dazzling photos, and the occasional moment of discomfort and "Wait... really?"  reaction that undoubtedly comes from reading about this unique (an oh so strange) country I have chosen to live in.

So let the games begin and until net time,

Ja mata ne!
(See you again)